commandsheep [dot com] » rant

25 Years of Mario

chris — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 20:54:58 +0000

My first Mario game was Super Mario World on the SNES. My last Mario game was New Super Mario Bros on the Wii. There were a lot of other games in-between, some on the Gameboy, N64, Gamecube, the DS and through the magic of computer wizardry even on my old PC. Not much has changed. Well, the graphics are nicer, and the sound is better – the basic gameplay though is still the same. I think that Princess Peach is still a bitch but at least she looks hot (ish) and Mario wanting to rescue her makes more sense now. I mean, there aren’t many good looking females in the Mushroom Kingdom. And would you really want to hook up with one of Toad’s friends?

Even after 25 years of Mario I still fail at the game. I can honestly say that I have never finished a single Mario game that I played. Ever. There was always that one level that I never finished. And there is nothing more frustrating than failing at the same level over and over again while your friends just breeze easily through the game, with their hands tied behind their back, blindfolded and playing with inverted controls.

Maybe it is time to finally admit to myself that I suck a platform games (and FPS, adventures, driving games, sports games, life in general) and that video-games just aren’t for me. I hold a grudge against Mario for being such a pixel-jerk. But the world seems to think he is alright. And who am I to judge? ~~I am the Goddamn Batman!~~

His less capable brother Luigi is OK in my eyes, he’s always number two and I am sure that nobody in the Mushroom Kingdom takes him seriously and they laugh about him behind his back – and Luigi knows that. He reminds me a bit of Fredo in the Godfather. I can very well imagine that Luigi will one day have had enough of this shit and finally make a deal with Bowser and sell out Mario and lure him into a deadly ambush. And then Mushroom Kingdom, tell me: Where is your saviour now?

Sorry Mario but the princess is in another castle

Christian Bale is a lovely person

chris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:07:16 +0000

You probably have already heard (again, we’re number one for old news!) that ~~Batman~~ actor Christian Bale went bonkers on the set of Terminator 4 and threw a tantrum.

Not because ~~Batman~~ he suddenly realised that the Terminator franchise has been squeezed to death by the previous movie and the horrible TV series (except that strangely hot Summer Glau Terminatrix chick), oh noes, something much more sinister happened: The director of photography walked on the set and was distracting ~~Batman~~ Christian Bale. ~~Batman~~ Poor guy couldn’t concentrate on the scene (probably something really important like pressing a button in front of a bluescreen) and had no other choice than to voice his anger. Also, I hear he had an upset tummy from eating too many bean burritos from the lunch van.

Now with stuff like that happening in the times we live in, sooner or later it goes viral on that internet thing the kids use. And then it gets mashed, remixed and put on youtube for the rest of us.

Final proof that threats, swearing and danceable beats mix so well together:

What the fuck is it with you?

You can get a free mp3 of the song here.

Fuck Off Bush!

jon — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 02:15:53 +0000

Having lived in the US for nearly 5 years now I am ashamed to confess to an absolute disinterest in American politics. Of course its hard not to appreciate the irony of seeing a country teetering on the verge of bankruptcy blow $150 million on the inaugural bash of its new President (or a Fuckyouverymuch to the old one depending on how you look at it). But when you’ve already spent several times that on getting yourself elected – I guess a few million here and there are little more than crumbs off the table.

Anyway – it was hard to not to resist a chuckle (translation: I laughed so hard I almost shit my pants) at the sight of Dick “Master of Evil” Cheney arriving at the proceedings in a wheelchair. The reason? Apparently Dick threw his back out as he was carrying his bags out of the VPs official residence. I guess he underestimated the weight of all that silverware…

Dick Cheney arrives at the Presidential Inauguration in Washington DC

Its a fitting end perhaps to 8 years of misrule and a jabbering dupe of a President who made Forrest Gump look like Tony Robbins. All that’s missing from this picture is the white cat on Cheney’s lap and Bush slipping on a banana peel.